Hunt, Gather, Parent
What ancient culture can teach us about the lost art of raising happy, helpful little humans, by Michaeleen Doucleff, PhD.
Section 1: Weird, Wild West
Much of the below is direct from the book, with my own additions or paraphrases sprinkled throughout. Not meant as my own thoughts, but as a way to remember and internalize the book.
Section one covers the issues with only studying the West, which is WEIRD-- Western, Educated, Industrialized, Rich, and Democratic. It leaves out the vast majority of not just the world's current population, but pretty much everybody for all of human history.
That's pretty much the main thing that you need to know from section one. Everything else is just setting the stage for the book-- introducing you to her family, her background, and what drove her to write the book.
Section 2: Maya Method (Togetherness in TEAM)
In section 2, she embeds herself (and her daughter) in with a Maya family in Mexico, watching how they raise their kids to be amazingly helpful.
Chapter 4: How to Teach Kids to Do Chores, Voluntarily
Ideas to Remember (kids of all ages)
Children have an innate desire to help their parents. It might not always seem like it, but they do have a built-in drive to belong to the family, and helping out earns their place in the group.
Most of the time, they don't know the best way to help, which makes them seem incapable/clumsy. The parents' job is to train them.
When a kid first starts to help with a task, they may seem clumsy or might make a mess. But with practice, they will learn while still maintaining their love for helping.
Never discourage a child, at any age, from helping a parent or family member. Shooing a child off can extinguish their motivation to pitch in and work together. If the task is too difficult or hazardous for them, tell them to watch. Or break the task into a subtask that they can actually do.
Do It Today
For younger kids (toddlers to about age six or seven):
Request a child help you and the family throughout the day. Don't go overboard with requests. One an hour is plenty. Some examples:
Go fetch something you need; carry a small bag of groceries; stir a pot on the stove; cut a vegetable; hold the door; turn on the hose.
Be sure the requests are for:
Real jobs that make a real contribution to the family, not fake or mock work.
Working together as a team, not for the child doing it alone
Simple tasks that are easy for the child to understand and complete without your help. There's no way to make the task "too easy"
For older kids (> age seven):
If a child isn't used to helping, ease into it by trying the above tips. Be very patient. They'll learn eventually.
Increase task complexity as their skill level increases. Let the child's interests and skills drive your requests.
Instead of telling a child what to do directly, try activating them by indirectly alluding to a task (e.g. the dog's bowl is empty or 'time to make dinner')
Chapter 5: How to Raise Flexible, Cooperative Kids
Chapter 5 covers giving kids their "team membership cards"-- bringing them into the family experience instead of walling them off in a "kids only activity" zone. Trying to cram all the cleaning, shopping, and house maintenance into naps is overwhelming for parents and teaches the kid that those activities aren't for them. Only doing child-focused activities robs the parents of their own ways to relax and enjoy life, and isn't even necessary or desirable for the kids.
Going about your daily business--cleaning, cooking, socializing, hobbies, errands-- exposes kids to the adult world and teaches them how to act within it. It's important to remember that kids don't see a difference in activities. They're all fascinating and interesting to them. It also gives parents a break!
Kids likely evolved to learn from adults this way, anyway, by shadowing and watching, learning at their own pace. It helps build intrinsic motivation, instead of being only motivated by rewards and punishment.
How to do it
Make Saturday or Sunday your family membership day
On this day, the focus is on family-centered and adult activities. Focus on immersing the child in the adult world. Do chores around the house, in the yard, or at the office. Go grocery shopping together. Go to the park, have friends over for a picnic, whatever. Even get the kids involved in planning for events like dinner parties (picking out napkins, setting up drinks, etc). Go to church activities designed for all ages. Volunteer somewhere.
Take a daily time-out from entertaining and instructing your child
Start out small, like 5 minutes at a time. Then work your way up to where you can do this for a whole Saturday or Sunday.
During these time-outs, just let the children be. Don't instruct them, explain stuff to them, or give them toys or screens to play with. Let them figure it out for themselves.
Just go about your business and let them tag along with you. Do chores. Do work. Do nothing. Lie on the sofa and read a magazine.
Minimize (or even scrap) all the child-centered activities
Replace them with family-centered, or let the kids do their own thing while the adults do theirs
Young children don't need all the "enrichment outings and activities" we have come to assume they do
For older kids, help them plan, organize, and execute kid-centered activities on their own
Don't be afraid to just drop activities that cause conflict or behavior issues
Pay attention to how child behaves after activity. Are they calmer and more cooperative, or agitated and antagonistic? If it is the latter, drop the activity
Children need less conflict, not more!
Maximize exposure in the adult world
Take them to the grocery store, post office, wherever you need to go for work and family business
Don't expect them to behave perfectly at first, they need trained, slowly, over time
Start small, 15 minutes or so, and build up
Explain that it is not a place to play
Minimize toys and child-centered objects
They don't need them and it will make you less stressed!
Use toys to teach helpfulness
Make clear that for toys to be allowed, they have to be put away
Get rid of the ones they don't put away-- it means they don't care about them
You'll slowly whittle toys down to just the ones that mean the most
Use toys to teach sharing
When going to visit friends, ask child to pick a toy or book to give to the other family
Or, go through toys together each month and set aside half for charity
Ideas to Remember
Children have a strong motivation to work as a team and cooperate! Think of it as "peer pressure" but with the family
Child-centered activities, designed only for kids, erode this team motivation and give the child the impression that they're exempt from family responsibilities
But, when we include children in adult activities, we amplify a child's motivation to cooperate and do what the family is doing. the child feels like a full-fledged member of the team, with benefits and responsibilities
Children will often misbehave when they have to move from the child's world to the adult world
Children do not need this entertainment or stimulation. They are fully equipped to self-entertain and occupy themselves. They can do all of that on their own with little input from parents or devices/screens
Do it Today
For all children:
Minimize child-centered activities.
Be sure kids have access to your life and work.
Be sure they're around while you do chores or other adult activities.
Your activities are more than enough entertainment and stimulation.
Minimize distractions such as screens and toys
The fewer "entertainment" items a child has, the more attractive your world becomes and the more likely they'll be interested in helping and being with you
Maximize exposure to the adult world
Go about your business and bring the child with you
Take them on errands, appointments, visits with friends, and even to your workplace, as much as possible
On the weekend, choose activities that you want to do-- activities you would do even if you didn't have kids
Go fishing/hiking/biking. Work in the garden. Go to the beach or park. Visit friends.
For older kids (> age seven):
Let an older child plan and organize their own child-centered activities (e.g. sports, music, art classes, playdates, etc)
Encourage them to handle the logistics themselves (signups, etc)
Slowly ramp up a child's responsibilities in the house, including increasing the care of younger siblings and contributions to cooking and cleaning. Think of ways they can help you at work
If an older child has had little exposure to the adult world, introduce them by degrees.
Go about your business and bring the child with you
If the child misbehaves, explain to them how they need to act in the adult world.
Be patient!
If the child is still disruptive, be patient! Don't give up. Try again later. They will learn!
Chapter 6: How to Motivate Children
Things to Remember
To motivate a kid without bribes or threats (rewards or punishment), the child needs to feel:
Connected to you or another person close to them
Like they are making the choice to do the task, not being forced
Like they are competent and their contribution will be valued
Praise can undermine motivation and generate competition (and strife) between siblings
Parents can learn quite a lot from a child! Knowledge can flow in both directions. Don't assume your approach or vision is always best
Accepting a child's knowledge, contribution, or idea is a potent way to motivate a child.
Do it Today
Resist the urge to correct a child, especially when they're pitching in or helping the family. Step back and let the child perform the task without interfering, even if the child isn't executing the task as you wish or taking the optimal approach
If a child is resisting the request (e.g. to help with the dishes), you're likely forcing the issue too hard. The child know what you want. Stop asking. Wait and let the child take the lead.
Pay close attention to how a child is trying to contribute and then build off their ideas instead of resisting them
Help a child learn a task by letting them practice that task instead of lecturing or explaining the task to them. Offer simple course corrections, sparingly, while the child takes action.
Accept a child's contribution to an activity even if it isn't what you expect or want
Section 3: Emotional Intelligence (Encourage in TEAM)
Chapter 7: Never in Anger
Chapter 7 follows her time with her daughter in an Inuit town in the far north. The Inuit are known for being extremely patient and calm, with children that have off-the-charts emotional intelligence at young ages. Chapter 7 tells some stories of her time there and gives you examples of how these kids have high executive function.
Studies suggest that better executive function as a child predicts better outcomes later in life-- better performance in school, better mental health, better relationships, higher chances of finding and keeping a job, etc.
The next few chapters will apply what she learned.
Chapter 8: How to teach children to control their anger
The takeaway here is that there's no point in yelling at a child. All it does is teach them that yelling and arguing is a legitimate way to communicate! Sure, you might "win the battle" in the moment-- you're bigger and louder than they are, after all. But, it's a pyrrhic victory-- it makes everything worse in the long run.
She basically says that yelling at a kid is a grownup version of a tantrum. It does nobody any good.
Same with getting angry-- it serves no purpose other than stopping constructive communication. The Inuit don't even do timeouts or other minor punishments. That is basically a Western method of exerting control.
Western scientists agree. When we yell at kids, we're actually training them not to listen! To train a child to behave a certain way, we need to practice it, model it, and acknowledge it.
When we yell at kids, we model being angry. When they yell back, they get the practice at it. And when we yell back in response and send them to their room, we're acknowledging their anger.
Chapter 9: How to stop being angry at your child
Step 1: Stop talking!
Literally, close your mouth.
When emotions rise, it's natural to erupt with questions or instructions, which conveys urgency and stress. Just take a moment and pause, say nothing, and observe.
If you say anything, say it very quietly
Walk away.
For just a few seconds, leave the room. Get out of the car. Walk ahead on the sidewalk. Turn around away from them, whatever. Just leave them alone for a second.
The desire to yell and talk will dissipate with a moment of distance, and then you can return and actually help the child.
Step 2: Learn to have less -- or even no anger
We're not talking about suppressing anger or letting it lessen with time. She means actually not having the emotion of anger towards them in the first place.
Expect children to misbehave
Expect them to be rude, violent, bossy. Expect them to make a mess, do tasks incorrectly, and be a general pain. Don't take it personally. It's just how kids roll.
It's your job, as a parent, to teach them how to behave acceptably and control their emotions.
If a little child doesn't listen, it's because they're too young to understand. They're not ready for the lesson
Stop arguing with small children
Children are illogical beings, so arguing with them is pointless
Step 3: Encourage, Never Force
The E in TEAM stands for encouragement, and comes from this rule. The big idea sounds simple, but is super hard to put into practice: never, ever force your child to do something. Instead of forcing, you encourage.
Forcing children causes three problems:
It undermines their intrinsic motivations-- it erodes a child's natural drive to voluntarily help.
It can damage your relationship with your child. You run the risk of starting fights and creating anger, which starts to build walls in the relationship.
You remove the opportunity for the child to learn and make decisions on their own.
This obviously doesn't mean they get to just do whatever they want all the time. You still need them to brush their teeth and respect elders and everything. It just means you don't use control and punishment to get things done.
We've already covered some tools for this: group motivation ("Let's do this together so we finish faster"), opportunities to practice ("family cleaning day"), and acknowledging contributions ("you're becoming a very good helper"), and subsequent chapter will introduce a bunch more.
Try It 4: Learn to have less anger towards children
Close your mouth and say nothing
Walk away for a few seconds or minutes until the anger passes
Think about the misbehavior from a different perspective or a different context. Think: "She's not pushing my buttons. She is not manipulating me. she is an illogical, irrational human that doesn't yet know the proper way to behave. It is my job to teach her." "She wants to help, but doesn't know how. I have to show her the best way"
With the calmest voice you can muster, simply say to the child the mistake they are making or the consequences of their actions. "Ouch, that hurts the dog"
Then, leave it alone. Let it go. Let the misbehavior pass.
If needed, use one of the parenting tools from the next chapter to encourage proper behavior.
Ideas to Remember
Anger
Anger towards a child is unproductive. It generates conflict, build tension, and stops communication
When a parent frequently yells and scream, the child will eventually stop listening to the parent
Parents and children can easily fall into a cycle of anger, in which the parent's anger generates anger in the child, which in turn triggers more anger in the parent
You can stop this cycle by responding to the child with kindness and calmness
Anger control
We often overestimate children's emotional intelligence
Anger control is a skill children learn over time with practice and modeling
To help a child learn anger control, the best thing you can do is control your own anger in front of the child
Every time we yell at a child, we teach them to yell and act in anger when they're upset or have a problem. The child practices being angry and yelling
Every time we respond to an upset child with calmness and quiet, we give the child the opportunity to find that response in themselves. we give the child the opportunity to practice settling themselves down.
Over time, this practice teaches the child to regulate their emotions and respond to problems in a calm, productive way
Tips and Tools
When you feel anger towards a child, stay quiet and wait for that anger to pass. If you speak, the child will feel your anger, so best to stay silent.
If you can't control your anger, walk away or distance yourself from them. Return when you are calm.
Teach yourself to have less or no anger toward children
Change how you view children's behavior
Expect young children to misbehave and cause problems
Never argue or even negotiate with a child
Arguing gives the child practice at arguing while you model the behavior yourself. If you find yourself arguing, stop talking and walk away
Stop forcing children to do things
Forcing causes conflict, erodes communication, and builds anger (on both sides!) USe the tools in the next chapter to encourage proper behavior instead of forcing it
Chapter 10: Introduction to Parenting Tools
I. Tools for Tantrums
II: Tools for Everyday Misbehavior
Chapter 11: Tools for Sculpting Behavior: Stories
Chapter 12: Tools for Sculpting Behavior: Dramas
Section 4: Hadzabe Health
Chapter 13: How did our ancient ancestors parent?
Chapter 14: The most confident kids in the world
TEAM 3: Ancient Antidotes for Anxiety and Stress
Chapter 15: Ancient Antidote for Depression
Section 5: Western Parenting 2.0
TEAM 4: A New Paradigm for Western Parents
Chapter 16: Sleep
Epilogue
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